so lets be honest ladies... my va jay jay is always a little angry at me for this "va jay jay violation visit." (sorry i like alliteration) so i know she is going to give me attitude all week about it... so i'm already in a bad mood... and an awkward mood. okay i'll face it, i walk around in an awkward mood about 70% of the time... but i digress... soooo.. i get there, they call my name. i'm passing through tons of patients as the nurse looking at my chart says "Oh its been a long time, Megan" (see i skipped last year.. and maybe the year before i dont know... okay i do know, but seriously i hate going) and of course i awkwardly attempted to be funny and said, "Well I mean, he didn't even buy me dinner or call me afterwards so... I've been holding a grudge!" She looked at me like I was crazy... then finally laughed.
THEN i got to "THE ROOM" and got dressed in that awesome paper napkin that really brings out the "OH CRAP" in my eyes in less that 15 seconds. I fear for some idiotic reason that after the nurse tells me to undress that she is going to shut the door and play some type of hide and go seek CHEATER counting game ("1 mississippi... 2 miss.... 14 mmm... 20!!!! ready or NOT....") so its like a race! i mean if these guys had a hidden camera on me undressing they would think i've been paid for it before! its called FEAR! so in the mad dash, i kinda dropped my purse by the chair and hopped on the table. straightened my hair and smiled at my record timing. then for the next HOUR i stared at my purse that was awkwardly by the chair and not on the chair or stacked on my shoes... i tried with my mind to move it because now sitting on the table with the possibility of them opening the door at ANY moment kept me from getting up and moving it... or grabbing my cell to text to pass the time... telepathic powers would have been nice... i could have moved my purse and who knows maybe given the nurse explosive diarrhea for making me get undressed so early and wait OVER AN HOUR nakey for the doctor... ughhhh....
i think at this point i am starting to sweat and am running out of Bon Jovi songs to sing to myself... so maybe the theme from JAWS plays in my mind as i look up at the ceiling with the dumb poster of a beach on it... I mean... if someone is going to be "Va Jay Jay Violating" me and I'm going to be looking at a poster, wouldn't it be nice if the poster was of something better than a hammock with an ugly hat on it?... Wouldn't it be hilarious if it was something random like a poster of Sarah Palin doing the wink ;) haha "You Betcha!"
finally he shows up... we talk a little about my move to Chicago he does a demonstration walk across the room to show me how i should walk in Chicago.. I could describe this but its better left to the imagination (a little model hip action going), and then he told me to buy a gun! (and i am pretty sure that even though he was telling me this for safety in Chi-Town, the idea of a Gyno telling someone to buy a gun is really the start of a plethora of inappropriate but funny jokes).
NOW... my 15 second pet peeve. when he pointed to put my feet in the dreaded stirrups and to "scoot down" he THEN decided to take 15 seconds to put on his gloves and prepare... i mean thats the longest 15 seconds ever... i'm feeling like all out there like "AHHHHHH!" (pretend that was an operatic note sounding much like Angels hahaha and thats how i was to the world). hahaha so i think next time i would rather take the screwdriver to the armpit for 15 seconds than the exposure of the Pirate in My Pants! *COUGH* Pirates of Penzance!
and this is why i never blog! i'm usually better at censoring myself, but i couldn't this time :)
cheers, God Bless, ROCK OUT!
m.
No comments:
Post a Comment